Category: Motivational

By Tim Elmore

I was in a coaching session with a college freshman, who explained to me how she just wasn’t “a math person.” This launched a conversation about how Abby couldn’t do this or that, and that her career was likely very limited. Along with her math challenges, Abby said things like:

“I don’t have a creative bone in my body.”
“I’m such a klutz.”
“I have no artistic ability.”
“I’m not good at remembering names.”

As a new year dawns, I find it easy to embrace one of two habits. I either make resolutions to fix my mistakes in the new year…or, I make excuses for why I can’t really change due to my genes. 

Let’s face it. We all find it natural and even convenient to blame genes for our shortcomings. Unfortunately for us, both scientists and psychologists have chipped away at these excuses with recent findings that reveal so much of our growth and ability is in our control.

First, Stanford research psychologist Carol Dweck reminds us that people tend to develop either a “fixed mindset” or a “growth mindset.” Abby’s mind was fixed: “I’m just not a math person.” It’s who I am. I can’t change. A “growth mindset,” as we’ve heard before, believes our brain works like a muscle that can grow with proper exercise. In fact, Carol Dweck told me during a phone conversation that her favorite word was, “yet.” It is completely fair to say: “I’m just not good at math…yet.” I am growing. We must help students make this shift. 

There is no doubt genetics can give us a predisposition toward certain strengths or weaknesses. Most of the time, however, it is both nature and nurture that form us. We may have a mom or dad who is clumsy around the house, and we grow up acting clumsy too. We have their DNA, and we observe their behavior for years. The good news is—students can break out of almost any mold they choose, if they take certain steps. Let’s return to the subject of math for a moment. While a young person’s DNA can play a measurable role in how they learn, genetics are much more about general learning ability than their knack for mastering particular subjects. 

Here are some suggestions to help students grow instead of excusing their behavior.

1. Adjust your mental ruts.

Listen to your self-talk. What do you find yourself thinking and saying to yourself? Most of us fall into the trap of negative self-talk, saying things like, “I’m not good at remembering names,” and failing to use the word, “yet.” Our routines form our ruts. Try some new routines that force you to think differently and act differently. Our neural pathways can change with hard work.

2. Repeat what you desire. 

I remember wanting to become a better writer. Occasionally, I’d write something that was decent, fresh, and helpful to others. At some point, I chose to write daily. Many days, I only have a few extra minutes to do so, but I try to write every day. I even have a “writing day” each week now. When I compare my past books or articles to my work now—I see improvement. 

3. Learn enough to become interested.

Our brains are capable of far more than we assume. Often, our problem is not IQ—it is interest. We’re just not interested in math, or Spanish, or remembering someone’s name. Find a reason to get curious. I’ve learned to enjoy dancing because my wife enjoys dancing. I’ve become better at learning names when I choose to become interested in those people. 

4. Choose to do the work.

Behavioral scientists use the terms, “learned helplessness” and “learned industriousness.” They find that people give up on a task more quickly when they see no change and believe it makes no difference. Conversely, we keep trying when we see the slightest improvement. Take on a new task and work on it until you see progress. This will trigger endorphins that motivate you. 

Confucius said: “He who thinks he can, and he who thinks he can’t, are both usually right.”

The post How to Help Students Stop Making Excuses and Start to Grow appeared first on Growing Leaders.

By Tim Elmore

The Seven Best Books I Read Last Year  

Each year, I enjoy posting a list of my favorite books I read in the last twelve months. Admittedly, sometimes the books strike me simply because of the life station I am in. Books can stand out not so much because they are brilliant for everyone, but because they come at a time when you need them most. In any case, below is my “top seven” list for 2022.

1. From Strength to Strength by Arthur C. Brooks

Arthur C. Brooks is a social scientist who left his job leading a Washington think tank to begin investing in students at Harvard University—due to his research for this book. It was far and away my favorite read in 2022. In it, Brooks explains how our brains change over time and how to best repurpose the second half of our life. He not only encourages readers to quit the “rat race,” but clarifies exactly how to do it. He helped me capitalize on my maturation from “fluid intelligence” to “crystallized intelligence” in my current life stage. The book energized me.

2. Blind Spot by Jon Clifton 

I am drawn to Gallup’s research, and this book is the result of groundbreaking discoveries by Gallup over the last several years. Leaders have been caught up in measuring economic and employment numbers to determine how well countries or companies are doing, but they have completely neglected people’s happiness and satisfaction levels. Clifton shows the blind spots of current leaders and how we must pivot to measure what was once assumed immeasurable. This book helps leaders create a more attractive culture for team members. It’s a great read. 

3. Leadership in Turbulent Times by Doris Kearns Goodwin

I got to meet Doris Kearns Goodwin at a fall event and fell in love with her research on leaders over the years. She has written several biographies on presidents, each exposing the intricate features that made them successful leaders. This book summarizes the leadership of Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy, and Lyndon Johnson and offers unique insights not covered in her previous books. It’s a clinic on what we learn from the approach of each one. If you enjoy stories, especially ones that reveal how a leader became who they are, this book is for you.

4. Wisdom @Work by Chip Conley 

Chip left a successful career as a hospitality mogul in his fifties to determine how to best leverage his time and talent now. He felt he was getting stale. This book covers his move to coach the co-founder and CEO of Airbnb (Brian Chesky). He now observes so many organizations possess “modern elders” and “young geniuses.” Sadly, the young and old rarely connect. Chip provides simple ways for the young to gain from “elders” and vice versa. He now refers to himself as a “mentern,” which is a dual role of “mentor” and “intern,” teaching and learning.

5. Gentelligence by Megan Gerhardt, Josephine Nachemson-Ekwall, Brandon Fogel

Megan Gerhardt teaches at Miami University. She and her fellow authors offer an academic treatment for how different generational cohorts clash at work and what current circumstances in the workforce mean to each one, including Boomers, Gen Xers, Millennials and Gen Z. I enjoy the research Megan provides and her insights into how work is changing from the norm of “older folks get to make the rules” to “younger teammates now determine the rules.” She argues for balance and moderation, and for creating “gentelligent” teams at work. 

6. The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker

Today, we hear a lot about community. But we don’t experience it as well as we have in the past. This book is about taking meetings with others to a new level; it’s about moving from routines and conventional wisdom to distinctive approaches that bring out the best in the people who are present. This book teaches how to gather people (large or small groups) and to create meaningful, memorable experiences. Priya has been a facilitator of high-powered gatherings and explains how a few simple, specific changes can invigorate a group experience. 

7. The Infinite Game by Simon Sinek

I re-read this book and got more out of it this year than I did in the past. It’s that good. Simon Sinek takes the concepts from James P. Carse’s 1986 book, Finite and Infinite Games, and builds on them, applying the ideas to today’s world 35 years later. He combats the economic beliefs that success is all about profits for stakeholders and says that infinite games are about working for a just cause, with trusting teams, who have worthy rivals, who enjoy existential flexibility, and possess the courage to lead. This book changed the way I see business. It’s a great read. 

I’d enjoy hearing of any good books you’ve read this year. Let’s keep on growing!

By the way—I’m offering a personal invitation to leaders who want to become a better speaker and writer. I’ll be coaching a small group called The Communication Cohort in 2023. It’s a monthly, paid coaching group you can find at: TimElmore.com. Click on the button at the top: Communication Cohort to apply.

The post The Seven Best Books I Read Last Year appeared first on Growing Leaders.

By Tim Elmore 

When I reflect on past holiday seasons in my life, I see that I suffered from acute low self-awareness. It wasn’t so much that I ruined Christmas or Thanksgiving for anyone; I just hampered things for me. In retrospect, I see a pattern that offers a cautionary tale for all of us.

As a young man, I entered the holiday season looking forward to seeing family members I’d not seen in a year. It would be fun spotting how my nieces and nephews had grown and hearing what my uncle Sam was up to during the previous year. Once the celebration began, however, I became acutely aware of the pecking order in our family.

Who was doing what?
What member made others laugh? 
Which member was the popular one this year?
How much time were people talking about each topic?

Without realizing it, I stepped onto an emotional treadmill, trying to keep up with those in front of me in this pecking order. Was my joke the funniest? How did I look? Did family members seek me out for conversation? Before long, my stress levels rose, and this clouded my ability to think objectively. My emotional needs blinded me to how I came across to others. 

My stress created a fog. And when we’re stressed, we can slip into counterproductive coping strategies like overindulging in food and drink, overcompensating in discussions to prove how much we know about a topic, staying up too late, having arguments with family members, or even escaping into drugs or alcohol. It’s a vicious cycle. 

The more we’re stressed, the less we’re able to see what’s really happening. There’s a fog. 

What Can We Do About This?

It’s important during the holiday season to be mindful and tuned in to our needs and feelings. Otherwise, when we’re thrown together with friends and family members and feel pressured to buy the perfect gifts or cook the perfect meals, it can spoil the season for us. When we tend to our own emotional fuel tank ahead of time, we’re better prepared to fill the tank of others when the party begins. I have a friend who’s diabetic and hosts her family every holiday for a big meal. Do you know what she does? She eats a healthy snack before everyone arrives, knowing she’ll be serving loved ones and won’t get her meal until the end.

It’s a great picture for us emotionally at holiday time.

Step one: Fill your tank before the event begins. Don’t be a “starving baker” who’s so busy serving bread to others that you forget to eat, and starve yourself. If you practice self-care now, you won’t need it during the party. Read, reflect, journal, pray. Preparing prevents repairing. 

Step two: Know yourself. Extroverts are energized by people, so they can be blind to overdoing it at holiday time. Filling their social tank with friends ahead of time enables them to focus their energy on affirming others at holiday time. Introverts are energized by time alone and must get plenty of this before loved ones arrive. This way, your own needs don’t dictate your state. 

Step three: Identify your stressors ahead of time. Does a certain family member cause anxiety for you? Does socializing (in general) induce stress? Once we know the sources of our angst, we can plan a strategy to face them. We’re then able to leverage coping skills rather than coping mechanisms like overeating or overreacting. 

Healthy solutions all begin with self-awareness.

Author Liz Wiseman suggests we all find a close, respected friend and play a little game called: “What’s It Like to Be…On the Other Side of Me?” I’ve done this several times, and hearing my accountability partners respond to this question is always revealing. I become more self-aware. And I enter future interactions and events wiser and ready to serve others. When we’re self-aware, we’re all better people and healthier leaders for our family and friends.

Here’s to a self-aware holiday for all of us.

The post How to Have a Self-Aware Holiday  appeared first on Growing Leaders.

By Time Elmore

My friend, Steve Goble, has enjoyed a successful career as a business owner and civil servant. Over the last few years, he chose to be a substitute teacher in his local public high schools. He wanted to spend time investing in today’s young generations. You might not be surprised to hear the experience has been eye-opening for him. 

A few days ago, he posted the story of a typical day for him as a substitute teacher:

Yesterday, I subbed for a high school math teacher. The assignment was to read a chapter in the textbook and write the definitions of 12 words related to the topic of probability statistics. I did the assignment as well.

During one of the classes, I asked several students to end their talking or put their phones away and focus on the assignment. I’m not a stern disciplinarian. Instead, I let students know they determine the outcome based on their choices. (This class was all seniors.)

During the class, without saying anything, I decided to put the answers up on the screen one at a time. Hide the last answer; show a new answer. I repeated this process every 3 minutes or so for the remainder of the period.

At the end of the period I said, “Some of you may have realized I’ve been putting answers up on the screen over the past hour.”

“A few of you catching on to that asked me at that time if it was okay to use my answers. I said, ‘You are free to use mine, or use your own.’”

I continued, “However, others of you continued to talk or play on your phones even after I asked you to stop. What you didn’t realize was that I was giving the answers all period. So, you’ll have to work on these over the weekend.”

(Class member): “Wait! What?!! You’ve been doing what? Can you put that back up there so we can take a picture???”

What a Distracted Generation Needs 

Everyone will agree, if smartphones have done nothing else, they’ve distracted millions of us from being present in the moment. Steve’s classroom experience above is a case in point. Further, it’s my observation that portable devices have made us socially lazy and unskilled. Screens don’t require emotional intelligence. 

Harvard instructor Arthur Brooks believes young people often handle interacting with people like a social peanut allergy. They fear rejection or social shortcomings, so they avoid it. Risk tolerance is low in millions of our young. 

Let’s hypothesize for a moment.

When it comes to phones, there is but a small gap between distraction and addiction. Today’s Generation Z and the Alpha Generation (most of them are in school) have grown up with a portable device in their hands since age three or four. According to research, it’s not unlike a person who’s grown up with alcohol since childhood. Millions of kids are phone-aholics. So, like a drunk defaults to drinking whenever they’re bored or uncertain, kids default to their phones. Adults, by and large, were ambushed and did not lead children through this cultural shift very well. Today, graduates enter the workforce and know little about interaction face-to-face with a supervisor or colleague. Remember the social peanut allergy?

Similar to alcoholics who need to be led, by groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, youth must be led by those who’ve overcome addiction. What does A.A. do? They provide guidelines, twelve steps to take, and sponsors for accountability. That’s what any addict needs. 

Beliefs: Standards they embrace.
Boundaries: Guidelines they follow.
Buddies: People who hold them accountable. 

The No-Phone Zone

Just like various regions of the world are considered “no-fly zones,” students need “no-phone zones,” where they do not use devices and must cultivate social intelligence. 

Classrooms can introduce places where students deposit phones until class is over.
Homes can introduce baskets where no one uses a phone and instead converses. 
Clubs can limit phones so attendees can engage with others face-to-face. 
Youth groups can have spots where kids place phones to help them focus on growth. 

After research and observation, I believe this equips young people as they mature to enjoy boundaries and later set them as they enter adulthood. To be frank, many adults need boundaries too. The phone makes a wonderful servant but a horrible master. We must master them and make them serve us, not the other way around. Maybe we should even ban them. 

That’s what a Massachusetts school did when smartphones splintered their community. 

Buxton School is conducting an experiment in Williamstown, MA. A smartphone ban is in effect for all students and faculty. This school had prided itself on its close-knit community, but when smartphones became ubiquitous, division ensued. Neither adults nor kids knew how to handle the addictions and attacks on those phones. So, school leaders just outlawed them altogether. 

The result?

Many students say they miss certain pop-ups on the phone, but overall, there is a greater sense of tranquility, resulting in both peace between people and peace of mind. Student, Emilio Martinez Buenrostro, says he misses watching videos on his smartphone but says the ban has had a positive effect on students. So, he is for it. He’s not alone. The students love its impact. The school has boundaries, beliefs, and buddies to ensure everyone is free from addictions. 

Imagine that? The adult leaders actually led the students. Novel idea. 

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